Written on June 2, 2021.

My mom tells me I was a little hesitant to be born. I was probably a little too snug in there and didn't want out (knowing what the world's like now, I get you, kid). And so I decided to appear seconds before she was wheeled into the OT. She probably knew right then that she was dealing with a bit of a rebel :P

Today, I turn another year older, celebrating my second lockdown birthday while stuck in never-ending limbo (thank you, pandemic!). So many thoughts come to mind.

First, a curious mix of gratitude and despair. Gratitude literally at being alive and breathing, and my immediate family being safe. Despair at, well...nearly a year in total isolation. Family in a different city, friends too far to meet in person. House all to myself. Just, privileged, hermit status, for nearly a year. With a few memorable exceptions scattered in between.

I look back on the past decade and it seems...surreal to have gotten here. Especially the past two years.

Sometimes, the universe REALLY needs to shake things up, in order for you to feel like yourself again. Especially when you haven't felt like yourself in over a decade.
I consider it a triumph for anyone who can live as authentically as is possible in the circumstances.

Here's what I discovered during this extended period of solitude. About the world and myself.

Learning about the world

1. Humans are complex beings - and really cannot be generalized or put into boxes. But we do that because we need labels and structure. Not having them scares us.

2. Everything is political, including our personal lives. To think otherwise is naive.

3. The written word, and books, and poetry are beautiful. People who do not read at all or never have, are sadly lacking and don't know what they're missing.

4. Touch starvation is real. We're wired to be drawn to physical touch and to express ourselves with it, and I realised the true value of a hug, a kiss, or a brush of the arm, or holding hands more when deprived of it.

5. Education doesn't necessarily make people good, capable or fit to lead. Reading, questioning and learning, however, can.

6. Society has the wrong idea about love and relationships. Truly being able to love someone, is only possible when one is able to love and accept oneself. Be with someone because you want to, not because you need to. One person shouldn't be 'your everything'. Both people need to be as content by themselves as they are with each other, and give each other the space to grow and have their own interests.

7. We've also got the wrong idea about sex. It's not just for procreation, we all have desires, it's not a gender issue, and desire and drive often begins in the mind first.

8. People are way stronger and tougher than they give themselves credit for. Too bad society values physical strength over mental strength though.

9. Empathy and sensitivity are actually gifts, and not the contrary like I've been led to believe.

Self-discovery

1. I love storms, the nighttime and the moon much more than the day.

2. I tend to stubbornly see the good in people and hope for things to get better, no matter what.

3. I actually enjoy my introvert side a lot, as I discovered this year.

4. I officially have ADHD which is a superpower, tbh, while also having its off times. Contrary to popular belief, it's a lot of things and not just about not being able to focus.

5. I fall for/get attracted to people, not labels. But I prefer men.

6. I'm simultaneously hyperactive - can strike up a conversation online/offline anytime, with literally anyone and love people - and also very reclusive and no one can coax me out of my shell when I'm that way. Society needs to not glorify extroversion.

7. Most people tend not to mean what they say and that's rather sad to me. I don't put on social nicety filters and so am mostly very honest/direct, a trait that's both a curse at times and a blessing.

8. I absorb the emotions of people I care about, and people affected by issues I'm passionate about to the point of getting mentally drained sometimes.

9. Being vulnerable is scary and opens you up to hurt. But it also lets you know quickly who is worth surrounding yourself with.

10. I'm a very passionate and affectionate person, as I learnt. And I communicate at lightning speed when it's not emails.

11. I tend to overthink, second guess and put myself to impossibly high standards while feeling like an imposter 90% of the time. But it can't be helped :/
    
    
    Turning older, like for most of you, may feel strange because we're all still seemingly stuck in time. Suspended, in a strange era where the days and years are rolling by but you seem to be right where you are, neither forward, nor going back. It was like experiencing a slice of life itself all in one day. The good, the bad and the absurd.

    The good - being healthy, getting the most wonderful messages from those that mattered, wonderful weather and great food. The bad, realizing I'm actually all by myself and also older, and the absurd, when I spilt sugar syrup all over the kitchen, broke my only beer glass and then couldn't find a can opener. At which I first cried and then laughed at the sheer randomness of it all. Ah well. It's been a strange, long year. And, despite it all, I'm still grinning at the prospect of what lies on the other side of this crisis. Beaches. Sunsets. Walks through new places. Bookstores. Coffee shops. Dive bars. Live music. Friends. Hugs. Kisses.

    Life.

    We'll be ok, won't we? :)